My A Levels were based on regurgitating facts. Unfortunately not literal regurgitation, I was always ready for that in the exam hall. But having a terrible memory meant I couldn’t remember who I’d spoken to two minutes ago, let alone the chi squared formula.

After years of trying to force myself into biology, and years of not remembering what the fuck peritoneal dialysis was, I found my happiness in creative writing, and decided to study it at university. Less memory was needed. I could even use my shitty memory as source material – like I am right now.

Remembering everyone you meet in Freshers is hard enough without memory problems – so here are five tips for keeping tabs on all the stuff you might forget.

LISTS AND ALARMS

To Do lists are the go-to of bad memory. Ticking off your achievements also provides something akin to sexual satisfaction, which can never really be frowned upon. Without a tick list I was forced to wear the same pair of jeans for a week and a half – something I prefer to do voluntarily. Smartphone alarms are great for this too, set them with lists in the description, for your oven timings, for brushing your teeth, for taking medication, for going outside, for crymaxing. For maximum effectiveness use the most irritating ringtone possible – rage always remembers.

THREES AND COPIES

One To Do list is fab, but three – Wait. Who needs three to do lists?  Anyone who loves themselves enough for triple-tick satisfaction, my sweet friend. Making copies is never a bad thing. Try buying a diary, a calendar and a week planner. Sync that shit up and you’ve got three reminders, one for your bag, one for your home and one for your work space. Everywhere you look you will be reminded of your imminent adult responsibilities – dreamy.

DRINKIN’

Well, you shouldn’t really. That’s the gist of it. But its Freshers and you’re probably gonna get smashed a bit, or a lot. Memory blackouts are made impressively worse by alcohol and drugs, if you insist on doing either of those things then you should keep a diary. Write what happens on that day as it happens, this means blackouts can be recounted for. By no means do I expect you to document your bezzie mate chundering all over the floor in Popworld – because it’s likely you already have if you have Snapchat. Snapchat is a subtle (and free) weapon for tackling goldfish memory. Snapchat it all; the predrinks, the mess, the hangover. You will forever have evidence of your night – and an annoyingly long story for everyone else to click off.

TELL UR MATES

Shit memory is a weird thing, you never really notice it until your friends roll your eyes as you start telling the same story for the fifth time that day. But your friends are there because they want to be. If you’re forgetful then they already know. If you’re more than just forgetful then they definitely know. Having support after memory blackouts and iffy spells means you always have a recovery file. This is especially great if you confuse your dreams with the events of the day – friends can always judge whether you’d survive getting stabbed by a skinny clown in real life.

CALL WHO YOU LOVE

Make a list of the people who matter to you, tick their name once you’ve checked in with them that day. Bathe in the tick stimulation. It’s fairly common to forget whether you’ve spoken to the people you love recently. Luckily you’ll never really forget the people you value – occasionally just their second names, and a few birthdays.