You showed me off to your friends like I was something worth being proud of. They had all heard of me from your kind words, words that I never believed. Still there was an overhanging worry for you. I had been around you many times when you were drinking. You always changed so suddenly, you stopped caring for everything, especially yourself. I couldn’t bear to see you destroy yourself and all those who cared for you.
I watched you stumble drunkenly through the cobbled streets, trying to pick a fight with anyone in your path. You were making a fool of yourself but I was still happy to be there because when you looked at me through your drooping reddened eyes I thought I saw an affection I had never seen before.When your friend went to go make drinks you pressed against me roughly and kissed me as if you had been waiting all night to do so. You whispered to me that you wish he hadn’t come back here.
You threw yourself down onto the sofa besides me and put your hands between my thighs. I kissed you in response but rolled away from under you, pointing towards your friend as I did so. He had focused his attention to playing video games in a hazy unawareness though. I didn’t want you away from me and I felt special for you to display your feelings public finally.
You told him “we” were going to bed but you’d join him again in an hour or so. I was too amazed you were choosing me over him that I didn’t notice you were choosing both as always. When we got into your bedroom you turned the light off as I started to undress. I wanted to take it slowly this time, so after we had both undressed we lay under the covers kissing each other’s necks and running our hands against one another. As we started to get hastier you pushed me on top of you and without thinking told me that you loved me. I too said it immediately back. I knew there was an element of sadness to this and I tried to rid that thought from my head. Over the last eight months we had done this. I would go to your house and watch you play video games while I would sit patiently smoking cigarettes until you finally would kiss me then quickly we would go to your room, undress and do everything we could to please one another. You always would tell me how much you loved me and how beautiful I was during the heat of the moment and I would say the same back to you and kiss you even harder. Whenever we were in bed we’d always speak of how much we cared for one another or talk of our future. Yet I knew all this ended once I left your bedroom.
Once again I woke up before you and kissed you as much as I could before this ended again. I never wanted to leave that bed because I knew it would be over until the next time.
I sat on the kitchen floor smoking and reading Dorian Gray while you slept, after a couple of hours you came into room groggy and needing to hit the bong. You sat beside me, not too close though as I learnt to keep my distance. After a few bong hits you walked into the living room and put on a game, playing it while maintaining minimal conversation. I asked you if you wanted me to leave as I always asked, but your response was always the same; that I should stay if I wasn’t busy. I didn’t know what to do during these times, the times when you wouldn’t touch me or speak to me. I wondered why you always told your friends and family how intelligent I am or beautiful I am or interesting because when it was just me and you sat together I never felt those things and I doubted you even knew me. After a few hours of this we walked to the park in town just before it would start to get cold. We walked as if there were another person between us and you were incapable of making a conversation. We sat down on the grass in the sun, slightly away from everyone else and you lit up a joint while I lit a cigarette. I pulled the petals off daisies while you lay opposite me. I knew our time together today was coming to an end and that we’d probably meet up in a week or two. Once we finished we walked back towards your house and stopped at the end of your street. I was hoping maybe you’d kiss me now, even a hug would have put me at ease, but instead you said you felt sick from being hungover and we said goodbye with no contact and no smile from you. As I went to turn away you shouted to me to not look back as you were going to be sick. I walked away from you and within a minute or two felt an overwhelming loneliness then I began to cry as the warm summer winds brushed against me. This was the normal walk home by then, numerous times I had cried walking home and then often for the next hour. I would cry because I believed you loved me yet I knew you were incapable of loving me. I knew as always that I would see you again and feel this way all over. Yet I always felt it was worth it. You were so fucked up from years of unhappy relationships that I justified why you treated me the way you did. But I never thought you didn’t love me, not even once, I couldn’t think that. Instead I just thought of you as an unobtainable being, I didn’t want to possess you, I just wanted you to want me.
