That’s it folks, we’ve found the winners: language development doesn’t need to go any further.

We all know that kids can take a while to get it ‘right’ when they’re learning to talk, but along the way they revolutionise language – some stuff they come out with really doesn’t need any more work doing to it. They’ve reached the pinnacle of best language already.

5.

We all know what fruits are called, right? And the one above is an apricot, yes? No!

It’s a Furrybot.

This one was actually my own creation, and it’s a good one if I do say so myself. It’s furry, it looks like a lil bum, and it even rhymes.

4.

A favourite among children and adults everywhere: orange juice!

No? Oh – apple juice! No?!

It’s Pappeloose.

This is another alternative fruit beverage that really makes sense though – the apple pappel ‘p’ is already in there and clearly a good one to keep repeating. As for the juice, well, who ever needed the ‘j’?

3.

Now little kids don’t have the same idea of censoring that grown ups seem to develop, so they’re more than happy to go on and on about boobs, and even nipples.

Except that’s not true.

They talk about Botmots.

So far the better names have been coming from trying to get the original – y’know with some similarities and logic – but botmots? Sis, seriously? I don’t even want to know where you got the ‘ot’s from nipples. At least you got the plural right, because talking about just the one would be weirder.

2.

On the end of your feet you have your toes, and on the end of your hands you have your fingers.

Unless you’re my little sister, in which case:

You have Bingdings.

Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself with this one. The logic hath returned to us! But still, this is a way better word than fingers because two ‘ing’s are always better than one. An ‘f’ and a ‘g’? Nah, they’ve got nothing in common, let’s throw some ‘b’ ‘d’ symmetry in there!

1.

My little brother coined the phrase as a toddler, when he was heaving a box about the same size as him.

Oooooh! Big Ibby!

I will never say that anything is very heavy again, and neither will you. Big ibby is where it’s at. So much more efficient when you take out the ‘h’ and ‘v’ – especially since you’re probably breathless from all the ibby lifting! Such a considerate new phrase.

Well, it’s safe to say that little kids are the next Tolkiens when it comes to creating languages. I say we just go all out and bring it into the real world, because these words are just too good to be left in fantasy, or even play school.