Scratches

Day 1

Overcoming fear

There had never been such a thing on my agenda until now. Fear has been a constant presence in my life. But the thing is, I’ve started this diary as a sort of map to trace my steps towards a new life, and I feel that can’t happen without that important step.

I didn’t stand a chance in overcoming fear in the past years of my life for only one reason: I never tried. I was so used to feel scared and sorry for myself that I got used of living in that limbo situation, without even thinking of trying to get out of it anymore.

I’m going back again, when I’m supposed to look forward my new life, so no more dwelling on the past. Dr Eaton said positivity has to be my keyword. I would have preferred courage, but I didn’t tell her. I wasn’t ready to explain my opinion, and she doesn’t let me say anything without asking for an explanation. I can almost imagine her mousy face looking at me through her glasses and asking me “why do you think you have to be courageous?”

Day 2

Be positive

Dr Eaton was the one who suggested that I wrote a diary with my feelings, my thoughts, and my plans. I think she quite liked the idea of it being an agenda for creating my future self. It’s a lot more than what she was expecting from me. I didn’t tell her my first entry was about being courageous because again I wasn’t willing to explain to her about overcoming my fears. So I thought I better write an entry about positivity and I’ll have something to tell her if she asks me about it.

I think I have never been a positive person. It is difficult to be when you’re constantly busy at feeling sorry for yourself. Stephan used to say that it was more satisfying to hit me when I had that cheeky grin on my face. I don’t remember of myself with a cheeky grin ever, but if he said so I mustn’t have been that negative after all. Dr Eaton said I don’t have to think about what Stephan used to tell me, but I can’t help it at times. And then she is constantly asking me to tell her what I remember, and asking at the same time no to overthink it. It’s very confusing.

So much for the entry about positivity. I can try it again another time.

Day 3

Dreaming

I know the entries should have been related to the agenda for my future self. But I’ve been thinking about dreams all day. I dreamed of mother last night. I didn’t tell Dr Eaton about it this morning because I wanted to overthink the dream a little more before sharing it with her and answer to her questions. Mother was ugly in my dream, not beautiful as I remember her, that’s weird. I still remember her long dark hair softly touching the floor. From under her bed they looked like silk curtains. I always thought she was more beautiful when I had to look at her from under the bed, and then when the men left she was different. Or maybe she looked different because I was looking at her closer. When I first met Dr Eaton she told me that the world looked better from under the bed because I felt safe there. It was true I think, until Stephan. With him, it was like he felt where I was hiding. And then mother was so into him she didn’t even cared to hide me anymore like she did with all the other men.

Dr Eaton said that my descriptions are very good. I think it’s because of dreams, because of how I play and replay them hundreds of times in my mind. I have always done that, since I was little. With the good ones, it was like my personal share of fairy tales.

Day 4

Moving on

This is another one of Dr Eaton favourites. She didn’t agree when I told her I thought I already moved on. She thinks I’m still dwelling on the past, and I told her is only because we are constantly talking about it.  I know what she means though. She knows that when I think about it I still feel scared, and at times guilty, and those are the feelings she wants me to move on from. I think I’m doing better with guilt. The first months I had this constant image on my mind of his eyes when the baseball bat hit his jaw. Then I learned that a good way to get his pained eyes out of my mind was to think of how my eyes must have looked every time he came close to me, and that helped. I still felt guilty every now and then, but I can feel it is fading away. I can’t forget his mother shouting in court though. I know he was her son and everything, but what the hell? So I’m going to try and leave guilt on these pages. I don’t think I can do that with fear as well, it would be too much all at once. I already wrote an entry and I still feel scared most of the times, but I will try again.

Day 5

Finding a reason

Apparently you need to have a good reason when you want to achieve something. I want to try and achieve a normal life, and my reason is that I deserve it. I won’t say that I aim to be ridiculously happy, because I’m well aware it’s not something that happens very often and definitely not overnight, but I want to try to be at least tranquil.

I’m definitely not the only person in the world who had an awful childhood and a crappy adolescence. Dr Eaton says I got skills and brains, and she’s encouraging me to resume my studies. I think it’s a great idea. The only thought of being surrounded by people scares me to death, but I have a good reason to try and win my fears, haven’t I?

Day 6

Anger

I can’t make any plans today. No agenda, sorry Dr Eaton. It’s one of those days in which anger takes over me. It hasn’t happened in quite a long time, but it’s just the vehicle I use to get rid of all the violence I had to witness and put up with. A doctor once explained my anger in those terms and I liked it. I liked the idea of getting rid of the violence, because keeping it to myself it’s way too painful, and I liked the fact that there was an explanation for feeling so full of rage. I need to talk to Dr Eaton about it. She reassures me, and God knows if I need it.

Day 7

Life

I once read a book by a Spanish novelist and some words struck me and stayed in my mind since then. “’Do you know the best thing about broken hearts? They can only really break once, the rest is just scratches.” I like to think that after Father died all that happened was just scratches: the heroin, the men, Stephan, blood, tears. Because, as the Spanish guy wrote, that is the good thing about all the shit I’ve been through. Having been through hell, and having found a way to survive made me stronger. Anything that could possibly happen to me from now is just more scratches, so here’s another good reason to hold on and try to find a way to tranquillity and normality. Dr Eaton was very pleased this morning when I told her I decided to go back to school even if I’m 19. Because after all, why should I be scared of a bunch of teenagers after all I’ve been through? And why should I give up my dreams now that I realised that life is worth living and that I deserve to be happy?

It will take time to overcome my fears, the hate I feel for mother even if she’s not here to be hated anymore, and the anger I accumulated in all those years, but I’m ready to fight to have a proper life, and that will make things easier. The rest is just scratches.