After recently going through a breakup, I found an unexpected emotion to add to the multitude of normal emotions that come at the end of a relationship, and that was the pressure of bouncing back as an independent woman who doesn’t need a man.
As a self-proclaimed feminist, I felt guilty about the nights of crying over a boy when the rest of my life was going so well. This isn’t the first time I’d felt what I’ve come to understand is termed “feminist guilt”. The pressure for women to be perfect in so many different aspects of our lives is one that can build up into anxiety. We’re told to be strong, independent women while also competing on Instagram for the best wedding and family vacation photos. Since the feminist movement has moved forward there is a sense of expectation to get the career, the house, the car but still also the partner, the family and to be the perfect wife, boss and mum, all while looking beautiful and stylish.
It’s a great move forward that many women now have the opportunity to go to university, follow their career dreams and become financially independent. However, although men are helping more in the house, a study from University College London found that couples who are both in full time employment, women are still five times more likely to do housework than men. The study showed that women do approximately sixteen hours of housework a week, whereas the men in the couple do closer to six hours a week. This probably isn’t intentional on the men’s side of things, there is likely to be a number of factors that contribute to this, including how we are raised and what we see in the media that subconsciously affect what is normal for us. Starting to question these norms with our children is one way to start to ease the chain of responsibility for women, which in turn should benefit everyone.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild first introduced the idea of emotional labour. This is where women feel like they have to manage their families’ emotions, their teenagers’ upsets, their romantic relationship with their partners, be in control of organising the family’s schedules and things like remembering to write Christmas cards for the neighbours. This is known as the triple shift when the woman has responsibilities with her paid work, the domestic work and emotional work.
If this sounds familiar to you and you are feeling overwhelmed by all of your different responsibilities; it’s important to remember that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to say no. There is no need to feel guilty for pointing out the inequalities in your life or for admitting that you’re struggling to keep up with everything. Try not to waste time comparing your real life with the filtered images that you see on Instagram. And most importantly, you need to find time to look after yourself in order to contribute to any of these other aspects of life.
It’s also very important to remember that it’s okay and completely normal to feel tired or to feel angry or sad. Let yourself feel your emotions. Feeling like you need to keep smiling and keep going for those around you only works for so long. We are all human beings, and we all have a limit of how much we can do before we need to rest and recharge. I’m learning to let go of my “feminist guilt” and accept that my feelings are valid, it’s been a difficult year and now that I’ve given myself the time need to feel those feelings, I’m finally starting to heal. We all feel heartbreak at some point in our lives and taking your time to get over the difficult things in life doesn’t make you any less of a strong woman.
So, with Christmas coming up, remember, it’s okay to eat over Christmas (and always), almost everyone puts weight on over the holidays. Let go of the pressure for everything to go perfectly and take time for yourself to rest and enjoy it, remember to congratulate yourself on all the little wins from this year and meditating on what you have to be grateful for can really help to shift us from hectic holiday stress to a more calm and happy view of life.
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Author: Sophie-May
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References
McMunn, A., Bird, L., Webb, E., & Sacker, A. (2020). Gender divisions of paid and unpaid work in contemporary UK couples. Work, Employment and Society, 34(2), 155-173.
Hochschild, A. R. (1979). Emotion work, feeling rules, and social structure. American journal of sociology, 85(3), 551-575.
Hochschild, A., & Machung, A. (2012). The second shift: Working families and the revolution at home. Penguin.
